one day my invisible cloak became transparent

It was that morning when the mirror didn't recognize me. Or the day when silence started screaming. The day the colours on the inside went gray and the numb on the outside turned into pins. Or maybe the evening before the enough wasn't and my limits had patience.
Or any other disremembered day.

I couldn't have gotten there without a fight. Fight to win freedom as an illusion that makes solitude bearable. By now I just keep my shadow alive and with words as quiet as stains I can hear the fog while I walk backwards in circles.

I remember only to go blind, I look only to be numb, I feel only to be mute, I scream only to ignore, I notice only to fail, I try only to crash, I fly only to choke, I breathe only to forget.
I thrive only on chaos. And all the lights that light the way are blinding.

the zoo inside

So there's no elephant in the room. The huge red jumping elephant is long gone.
But there's always something. Maybe it's a giraffe, a rhinoceros, a flying pig or just a crocodile. We all get a "pet" like that, or sometimes a herd of them, or even an entire zoo.

There are however ways to deal with it.
Some ignore it, pretend they don't see it, buy zoo filtering glasses and go on with their lives as if there is no unbearable noise, foul smell, and terrible overcrowding. They may even try to move, but the zoo is sure to follow, they're quite good at tracking.
While others challenge the intruders, fight them, buy zoo-repellent sprays. They declare a full fledged war to the intruders and make their lives about getting rid of them.

Why not just acknowledge them, feed them, cleanup after them and live with them until they leave peacefully and on their own? Or maybe you won't need them to leave.

in between there's something else

Still incapable of tying my high hidden hopes to the obvious and clear appearances, I suffocate my intuition with facts and figures.
My imagination works extra-hours, wild with colorful fairytalish sounds, while I judge every detail with cold pessimistic logic.
Able to paint my mask with surgical precision; but when I don't, my face will expose me to the most inexperienced reader.
I will break down right in front of you with no fore-notice or good-enough reason but I will pull myself together when all hell is breaking loose.
I need to know precisely where I stand, count all measurements, make listed plans in order to create and entertain my chaos and comfortable anarchy of mind, word and objects.
Desperately seeking attention, getting the spotlight will only make me blush-and-go-hide.

I find myself continuously running back and forth between the extremes, bewildered sometimes to be at both ends at the same time. Exhausted, I look in between me and I to find a self that's inside-out, upside-down, inverted.

dac'as avea... o insula...

• de trei ori pe zi i-as schimba numele
• ieri as uita de ea
• maine si numai maine m-as duce acolo o saptamana
• ar fi pustie in fiecare zi intre orele 7 si 9 seara
• as face pe ea crescatorie de palarii, azil de cani si rezervatie naturala de triciclete
• raspoimaine as face-o firmituri si as da-o la porumbei sa o zboare
• noaptea as muta-o ca sa o caut ziua
• poimaine as exila acolo pe cineva pe care nu vreau sa-l mai vad, si acolo nu l-ar vedea nimeni
  
• as sapa-o gropi de ascuns ganduri negre
• in fiecare weekend as sechestra pentru o luna pe cineva acolo sa-si aeriseasca mintea
• as ploua-o cu stropitoarea ca sa rugineasca repede
• as planta o padure de leagane
• ai putea sta acolo 13 zile si 9 nopti fara sa intalnesti pe nimeni
  

give

sometimes I wake up missing something I never lost
sometimes I loose things I never had
sometimes I have things I never needed
sometimes I need things I never knew
sometimes I know things I never fought
sometimes I fight things I never understood
sometimes I understand things you never say
sometimes you say things I regret
sometimes I regret what I cannot forget
sometimes I forget things I am
sometimes I am the things I promised
sometimes I promise things you don't trust
sometimes I trust you to try
sometimes I try to tell the demons away
sometimes I tell myself enough is enough
sometimes I tell myself I'm not enough
sometimes I wish I was

and sometimes I can almost belive that even though I can't fight my own wars, I can win yours. and then you can quiet mine.
but some time I will give up if you give nothing.

choice. begging.

They say beggars can't be choosers. Most true. If you don't have anything and you're aching desperately for something, you take what you're offered. No comment. No fuss. You just take it and be grateful.

But there's also the other side of the coin. Choosers can't be beggars. As long as you have a choice, as long as you make a choice, there's no begging allowed. Embrace your choice. Own it.

So I'll make my choice such that I never have to need to beg.

the war

The worst thing about being at war with yourself is that no matter what you do, you always loose. And unlike the usual wars, it can also end without no one winning. Most of the times you just have a pretty good chance to loose on all fronts and in all ways.
And there will always be other casualties. Innocent bystanders who just happened in your life. Or even the people who care about either you or your sworn enemy self.
So what can you do? Well... you could do the cowardly thing and just run as fast you can. But really, do you honestly think you can outrun yourself? So please, for your sake, and mine, and theirs, offer me a truce and just try and get along.

people like doors like people

Reasons why people are like doors:

• some are transparent and automatically open to anyone that comes near
• they have spyholes to watch the outside world, and a few even have keyholes you can use to peep at the inside
  
• most have many complicated locks, but all can be opened with the right key(s)
• the outside rarely says the truth about what's behind
• forced entry breaks them
  

the neverlands

Lands of myth or truth, lands seen or heard, lands found at the end of rainbows or at the edge of the world, lands in one's head or dreams. Lands some reside in, lands some dream of, lands we visit, lands we run away from.

• neverenough - the land of want, the land of lust
• neverhappened - the land of lost memories
• nevershould - the land of broken rules
• neveragain - the land of regret
  
• neverhoped - the land of surprises
• neverme - the land of masks, of hidden selves
  
• neverdone - the land of the things not chosen, of paths not walked
• neverforgiven - the land of consequences
• nevertrue - the land of broken promises
• neverthesame - the land of lessons learned
  

summer

Slow down for a while. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. Stop.

Throw your troubles away. Forget the hurtful words. Put your worries on hold. Disremeber your memories. Ignore your plans. Stop waiting for answers. Be oblivious to the longing. Don't think about the reasons. Erase your regrets.

Take all of this and put it down. Right beside you. So you can take it back when you're done and want to become your self again.

Lay down. Spread your arms. Breathe deeply. Smell the grass. Close your eyes. Feel the warm sun on your skin.

Let go. And now... dream to me.

Thank you so much, my dear friend, for the photo and for you.

the me game

If I were me, I'd like to look into someone's eyes and see who they are. If I could look into someone's eyes and see who they are, I'd like to see what they could be. If I could see what a person could be, I'd like to be able to tell them what I see. If I could tell people what I see in them, I'd like them to listen. If anyone would listen to me telling them who they could be, I'd like them to start being that. If people could start being who they can be, I would be me.

But I'm not me today. I'd like a mirror today.