I come in pairs

My heart sees with one eye, my mind watches with the other. So my vision is impaired.

So my reality is made of gray images stitched together with colorful imagination.

My heart feels with one hand, my mind touches with the other. I may be partially numb.

And my fists are full of scars.

My heart hears with one ear, my mind listens with the other. So I can't hear you clearly.

So I'm deafened by words never whispered.

My heart stands on one leg, my mind walks on the other. I loose my balance easily.

And I can't run just by standing still.

But I have only one mouth, so you'll probably not know and not understand.
So I'll give my heart to people who don't want it. And they'll keep it because they like my mind.

dear me,

during the past week you realized that you are stronger than I give myself credit for, you have more to give than I thought, and you are more loved than I ever imagined.
Remember that. Hold on to it. Hold on to them.

Love,
you

one day my invisible cloak became transparent

It was that morning when the mirror didn't recognize me. Or the day when silence started screaming. The day the colours on the inside went gray and the numb on the outside turned into pins. Or maybe the evening before the enough wasn't and my limits had patience.
Or any other disremembered day.

I couldn't have gotten there without a fight. Fight to win freedom as an illusion that makes solitude bearable. By now I just keep my shadow alive and with words as quiet as stains I can hear the fog while I walk backwards in circles.

I remember only to go blind, I look only to be numb, I feel only to be mute, I scream only to ignore, I notice only to fail, I try only to crash, I fly only to choke, I breathe only to forget.
I thrive only on chaos. And all the lights that light the way are blinding.

the zoo inside

So there's no elephant in the room. The huge red jumping elephant is long gone.
But there's always something. Maybe it's a giraffe, a rhinoceros, a flying pig or just a crocodile. We all get a "pet" like that, or sometimes a herd of them, or even an entire zoo.

There are however ways to deal with it.
Some ignore it, pretend they don't see it, buy zoo filtering glasses and go on with their lives as if there is no unbearable noise, foul smell, and terrible overcrowding. They may even try to move, but the zoo is sure to follow, they're quite good at tracking.
While others challenge the intruders, fight them, buy zoo-repellent sprays. They declare a full fledged war to the intruders and make their lives about getting rid of them.

Why not just acknowledge them, feed them, cleanup after them and live with them until they leave peacefully and on their own? Or maybe you won't need them to leave.

in between there's something else

Still incapable of tying my high hidden hopes to the obvious and clear appearances, I suffocate my intuition with facts and figures.
My imagination works extra-hours, wild with colorful fairytalish sounds, while I judge every detail with cold pessimistic logic.
Able to paint my mask with surgical precision; but when I don't, my face will expose me to the most inexperienced reader.
I will break down right in front of you with no fore-notice or good-enough reason but I will pull myself together when all hell is breaking loose.
I need to know precisely where I stand, count all measurements, make listed plans in order to create and entertain my chaos and comfortable anarchy of mind, word and objects.
Desperately seeking attention, getting the spotlight will only make me blush-and-go-hide.

I find myself continuously running back and forth between the extremes, bewildered sometimes to be at both ends at the same time. Exhausted, I look in between me and I to find a self that's inside-out, upside-down, inverted.

give

sometimes I wake up missing something I never lost
sometimes I loose things I never had
sometimes I have things I never needed
sometimes I need things I never knew
sometimes I know things I never fought
sometimes I fight things I never understood
sometimes I understand things you never say
sometimes you say things I regret
sometimes I regret what I cannot forget
sometimes I forget things I am
sometimes I am the things I promised
sometimes I promise things you don't trust
sometimes I trust you to try
sometimes I try to tell the demons away
sometimes I tell myself enough is enough
sometimes I tell myself I'm not enough
sometimes I wish I was

and sometimes I can almost belive that even though I can't fight my own wars, I can win yours. and then you can quiet mine.
but some time I will give up if you give nothing.

choice. begging.

They say beggars can't be choosers. Most true. If you don't have anything and you're aching desperately for something, you take what you're offered. No comment. No fuss. You just take it and be grateful.

But there's also the other side of the coin. Choosers can't be beggars. As long as you have a choice, as long as you make a choice, there's no begging allowed. Embrace your choice. Own it.

So I'll make my choice such that I never have to need to beg.

the me game

If I were me, I'd like to look into someone's eyes and see who they are. If I could look into someone's eyes and see who they are, I'd like to see what they could be. If I could see what a person could be, I'd like to be able to tell them what I see. If I could tell people what I see in them, I'd like them to listen. If anyone would listen to me telling them who they could be, I'd like them to start being that. If people could start being who they can be, I would be me.

But I'm not me today. I'd like a mirror today.

of need and want and me

I will need to fight, work, sweat, beg, scream for everything that I want and get. I do not need solutions handed to me on a silver platter. I do not want you to solve my problems; I want you to stand by me and help me if I need it, support me if I ask it, and remind me should I forget. I need you to hold my hand, not guide it towards the answer.
I do not need you to answer every question and fulfill my every wish. For I am nothing but a fool and I will wish for things I do not need, and I will wish for things that are not good for me.
I do not need you to admire me, I do not need you to criticize me. I need you to like me and I need you to help me be better. I do not need you to bring out of me that beautiful person I cannot see and may not be there. And I do not need you to constantly remind me of my inner demons and skeletons in my closet.
I do not need you to ignore me or neglect me. I do not need you to cut my wings and smother me. I do not want to be your world, your drug, your princess, your god, your completion. I want to be yours. I want to be mine and me.
I need you to understand me and explain myself to me. I need you to let me pick your brain and get under your skin and see through you. I do not want you to read my mind. I do not want to know all your secrets. I need you to find me and let me look for you.

And most importantly, I do not need you to accept me; that is not your role, not your duty. I do not need you to do everything in your power to change me. I need you to fight me every step of the way, while holding my hand and welcoming me at the finish line.

stiai, nu-i asa?

De unde stii cat de apropiat imi esti? Cum iti dai seama cat de mult tin la tine?

Dupa cate astept de la tine: ma astept sa fii acolo oricand, oricum si de cate ori trebuie pentru mine.
Dupa cum ma astept sa imi citesti gandurile: stiu ca intelegi de ce sunt asa, fara sa trebuiasca sa iti explic.
Dupa cum te nedreptatesc: nu era vina ta, pur si simplu erai in calea supararii mele si ai primit toate rautatile, dar tu nu te superi.
Dupa cat de putin iti zambesc: tie nu trebuie sa iti zambesc daca nu am chef, chiar daca nu ma doare un zambet si il ofer oricui altcuiva.
Dupa cata dezordine gasesti la mine cand vii acolo: nu trebuie sa aranjez nimic pentru tine, pe tine nu te deranjeaza sosetele pe lustra.
Dupa cat de rar imi cer scuze: chiar nu e cazul sa iti spun ca imi pare rau, tu stii ca eu nu am vrut sa fac sau sa zic asta.
Dupa cat de mult te neglijez: nu te superi daca te aman pentru ca exista intotdeauna ceva mai important de facut - conteaza calitatea, nu cantitatea, nu?
Dupa cat de departe merg cu reprosurile si dupa cat de putine aprecieri primesti de la mine: nu trebuie sa iti spun cat de bun esti si cat ma bucur ca te cunosc, e de la sine inteles; in schimb e de datoria mea sa te fac mai bun si sa iti spun tot ce ma deranjeaza la tine.
Dupa cat de urat pot vorbi cu tine sau in preajma ta: pot sa spun "dragalasenii" de birjar fara sa imi cer scuze dupa, atunci cand suntem numai noi, si pot sa spun exact ce gandesc despre tine si felul tau de a fi, asta de fapt inseamna ca sunt relaxat langa tine.
Dupa cat de mult iti plang pe umar: voi fi cel mai increzator si fericit fata de altii, iar tie iti voi spune numai fricile mele, numai problemele mele, pentru ca asta arata ca am incredere in tine.
Dupa lipsa de politete: nu trebuie sa iti multumesc chiar de fiecare data, stii doar ca sunt recunoscator, si un 'mneata mormait iti ajunge cand imi e prea somn pentru mai mult.
Dupa cantitatea de rautati pe care imi permit sa ti le servesc: cand sunt rautacios si te lovesc acolo unde doare mai tare pentru ca eu stiu exact unde sa dau, stiu ca ma vei ierta intotdeauna fiindca tu stii ca de fapt am dreptate, plus ca ne cunoastem prea bine ca sa ne suparam din nimicuri.

Nu e nevoie sa regret nimic, ma cunoasteti si ma acceptati asa cum sunt, altfel nu ati fi langa mine. Si e de datoria voastra sa acceptati tot ce vine de la mine, pentru ca asa sunt eu si nu ati vrea sa ma prefac. Daca nu reusesc sa va conving ca eu am dreptate si nu am gresit de fapt cu nimic, oricum o sa imi iertati orice: pentru ca stiu sa fiu draguta daca trebuie si pentru ca eu am nevoie de voi si nu imi puteti spune nu.

Imi pare rau. De fapt, chiar am nevoie de tine. Ti-o spun, desi ma astept sa o vezi, sa o stii, sa o intelegi.
Eu, tu, noi, voi, toti.

closed until further notice

You should know we're closed right now and you should know we've been this way for a while and we will be so for some time now. Can't figure out though when exactly it happened... can't really put our finger on it. There must have been signs, they just weren't seen by the right people at the right time. It was probably a gradual thing... just happened one layer at a time. 'Cause there are layers you know. It's not just eyes closed, mouth closed, ears closed. Noooo... it's more than that. I'm pretty sure the eyes, ears, mouth are actually open somewhere in there, just covered up really good.

The layers... don't know the order exactly... but there are

• bubble wrap layers, the kind you pop when you're bored and are supposed to keep you safe,
• aluminum layers that are supposed to keep you warm, or cold,
• layers with feathers, so it's soft and nothing hurts, and you just don't feel much,
• layers with pockets where you can loose or hide things,
• onion layers, the kind that make you cry if you break or cut them,
• layers with locks so that no one can get in unless they have the key,
• layers with one way looking windows so you can look outside, but can't be seen,
• lead layers so it's hard to move around,
• paper layers, so there's something people leave messages on,
• layers with mirrors where you can go look for yourself in your eyes,
• glass layers so you must be careful not to break,
• dusty layers where things are put to hopefully be forgotten,
• layers with edges and corners so nothing goes smoothly,
• layers with hedgehogs to keep the noisy ones out,
• and there's a nice shiny colorful layer of wrapping paper with a big red bow covering it all up.
  

So we're closed, for whatever reason, and you should stay out and away. You may knock gently, once; you may leave a message for me, myself or I. Don't push, don't go round the windows hoping to catch a glimpse, don't scream an shout and beg trying to get in. If you do that, the second you cross the line, you will find the hedgehogs, and they're a mean bunch of fellows. Don't be fooled by the nice bow on top, go away, don't stand there waiting for something that might never open back.

sometimes

sometimes I want to whisper every rude rude word that I know in your ear.
sometimes I start talking to you about anything at all, just to talk to you.
sometimes I wish you never knew who I was and what I did.
sometimes I think I'm invisible.
sometimes only you get me.
sometimes I would like to read your mind.
sometimes I want to walk up to you and scream in your face "Let's get the fuck out of here!".
sometimes I dream I can fly.
sometimes I'm a complete and utter insecure, paranoid wreck.
sometimes I smile for no reason whatsoever.
sometimes the ghosts of what I had run their fingers down my spine.
sometimes I am not original.
sometimes I forgive.
sometimes I want to turn to the last page.
sometimes I would want you to read my mind.
sometimes I put walls around myself just to see who cares enough to break them down.
sometimes I am rude to you without it being your fault.
sometimes I forget.
sometimes you don't get me at all.
sometimes I just want to give you the hug you'll never admit you need.
sometimes I must rewind to go forward.
sometimes I wish for things I don't need.
sometimes I drive myself nuts.